It is time for a bit of humor. I receive several advertiser-supported health, longevity and vitamin-promoting magazines in the mail. I am not sure why they are getting sent to me since I don’t pay for them. I usually have trouble finding much substance in them. My intent here is to poke fun at them by constructing eleven cover-story titles and lead lines for a new magazine of that ilk which I will call AVOIDANCE.
AVOIDANCE
Live longer – the Dr. Goldstone method
Doctor Goldstone outlines his revolutionary approach to living longer, an extract from his book The Sure Way to Live Longer. Long life is a matter of context, and the secret is ongoing death prevention. “I guarantee you that if you succeed at avoiding death, you will live longer.” Dr. Goldstone is a practicing coroner who knows his business and a frequent contributor to AVOIDANCE.
Flatten your bulgy belly
A simple guide based on the artichoke-lime juice diet, step climbing and squat jumps. Blend boiled artichokes with the lime juice, refrigerate, and consume nothing but 3 cups a day for 2 weeks. If A is your age and W is your weight you must climb |3*(W-A)| steps a day except on Fridays and do |(W-A)/3| squat jumps daily except on Tuesdays. If you don’t follow instructions and your stomach stays bulgy, it’s your own fault.
Living with Zybbrignowski’s Symptom
It does not have to drive you crazy if you are willing to be bit nuts in the first place and chew a bunch of crunchy Forgouh Pain™ tablets whenever you feel an attack coming on. Available in seven flavors, anti-allergenic. Doctor-recommended. Arsenic-free. Convenient order form is below. Order now. Two bottles for the price of one.
Avoiding diseases of old age – a simple sports approach that is guaranteed to work
The solution is to die young, and this can likely be accomplished by pursuing a combination of dangerous sports. We suggest parachute-free skydiving, ocean shark polo, motorcycle daredevil racing and Himalayan mountaintop skiing.
Forget your aging wrinkles with Azerbaijan koodo root slime grease
It burns and stings, smells terrible, won’t wash off, stains everything, ruins clothes and definitely makes your wrinkles seem like minor matters to be concerned about.
The six best ways to lose weight – and the 283 worst ways
Describes an annotated document you can buy for only $18.99 and keep by your refrigerator. If you “act now” a dozen colorful anti-weight pebbles will be included for free. Turns out, you better have strong eyeglasses or a magnifying glass handy to read the document. It is written by the same lawyers that write contracts for software products, the ones where you have to click the “I agree” box to get the software to work. You keep the anti-weight pebbles in a glass on the kitchen table to remind you not to eat.
Step up your sex life with exotic radish-garlic-spicy pepper soup
Five chopped up cloves of garlic, a generous sprinkling of dried red pepper flakes and a bottle of Tabasco sauce tops off the serving. If you can manage to consume it and keep it down, in 24 hours you should be ready for a torrid sex experience.
Living simply for health
In other words, live simply for health and forget everything else. It may not make you better but it can give you focus, purpose, and keep you reading Vince’s Blog. And you can get so boring that you drive other pesky people away. Hint: if you are going to do this, be sure to get somebody else to pay your bills.
Bargain diet software makes healthy meal planning easy
Easy-to-use software for preparing tasty and healthful dishes, only $2.99 a disk. Available formatted for Osborn I, Apple II, CPM, DOS, Commodore 64 and Atari 400 operating systems only.
Dr Saps on how to forget your Alzheimer’s problems
His advice is to avoid unnecessary stress and worry. Just ignore your dementia concerns and sooner or later you will surely forget them all.
Taking care of your hippocampus
A nontechnical guide written in plain language for ordinary people who have heard of how important hippocampuses are. A clean, well-organized and well-functioning hippocampus is important for your emotional health and wellbeing, and for taking care of your hippo if you have one. Emphasis should be on mitochondrial health and on a big enough hippocampus for your hippo to wander around in with African-type wallowing holes.
